Myself
by Wafflegirl0304
Summary: **AU** If the ninja were in high school and hurt all the time, yet covered their pain with smiles...this would be what they'd write. NOW WITH MORE IN-DEPTH STORY.
1. I'm Sorry

**Short and depressing. Nuff said.**

* * *

Walking down to the canteen with them

The smell of food lights my eyes

I subconsciously finger my wallet

Don't think I'll be opening it today

Don't think I ever will

"Aren't you hungry?" they ask

And I just smile and shake my head no

Because she won't accept me if I admit the truth

* * *

I sit on those familiar cold tiles

Leaned against the brumal wall

The blade is positioned, I'm ready

Eyes skim over my warm skin

The faint scars of battle show through

Adding to them is my pleasure

The blade sinks in and I smile through the tears

It hurts so good

* * *

Punching, running, kicking

Giving my all in that math test

No way am I going to fail this time

I run so fast I can't breathe, lift so strongly my head hurts

But I keep that exhausted grin on my face

If that's what it takes for them to love me

So be it

I will push myself until I'm perfect

* * *

Sometimes as I walk down the corridors of the school

I look down into the grass field below

Wondering if they would care if I jumped today

If my parts would fly everywhere

If I would bleed

Would I be repaired

Or simply left to die

Like a pile of scrap material

* * *

**Can you match the ninja to the 8-liner thoughts?**

**Thank you for reading and please leave a review. :)**

**...I really don't know why I wrote this. I'm not sad at all. xD**


	2. Jay: In-Depth

**Hello! If you clicked on this, you probably weren't expecting a happy story! If you were, I'd suggest you leave or get your feels pulled out and stepped on.**

**Haha I'm kidding. This is kinda (okay really) depressing. Also talks about heavy subjects like suicide, depression and anorexia. Please don't hate. This is an AU. Kinda. Yeah. This story is told mainly in Jay's POV, through diary entries. Remember that they're diary entries so casuality and smiley faces are imminient. (Did I spell that correctly I don't know.**

**Enjoy. :)**

Hi, my name is Jay Walker and this is my first diary entry! Or journal. Or whatever we call it. I think I'll just call you "Book" then! :D

Hehe so, my first day of secondary 1 starts today! I dunno what's in store but I bet it'll be tons of fun! I'm not bringing you though, sorry :( I don't wanna lose this nice new notebook.

Gotta go, bye.

* * *

First day of school was awesome! I made lots of new friends and we all ate baked cheese rice together during recess. It was fun :) one of my friends is called Kai Igneous or something...he acts so cool, but I still wanna be his friend.

I didn't get any homework so I'm free the whole day.

What to do?

A few days has passed since I last wrote in you. Sorry! I was kinda caught up with everything else hehe.

To be honest, I'm not very good at writing. Mum suggested I keep a journal so I could improve. I wonder if she's reading you...

* * *

More and more homework everyday D: but it's okay. I can handle it.

Sorry for short entry but I'm busy!

* * *

Yay! I finished all my homework today and didn't hand it up late.

I just read this story in the news about this girl. Her friends teased her and called her names. She became really sad and jumped off a building. That's sad. I hope her family are okay. The newspaper said her friends regretted it. Sad.

* * *

Today I was sad. My father scolded me for getting a bad mark for my English :( I will try to be better, Dad...

Kai's birthday was today. He brought a big cake to school, but then the bullies grabbed it and threw it on the floor. Everybody was shocked and sad but Kai didn't cry. He told me he wanted to get them back good, and he looked reaaaaaaally angry.

I wish Kai had had a better birthday.

* * *

Today Kai hit the bullies. He did a bad thing. Dunno if I still want to be his friend...

* * *

Yeah, I'm still Kai's friend.

He got hit by the bullies too and it was scary. Everybody was cheering them on and nobody was cheering for Kai. I yelled at them to stop. Then a teacher came and scolded them. Kai was bloody all over but he wasn't crying. It looked really painful. It was scary.

* * *

Ooh, this is my 11th entry! Yay!

Haha random moment there, but yeah...

Gotta go, my mum is calling me to study. Sorry for really short entry. :P

* * *

This girl was my partner for a sports event we had today. Her name was Nya. It's such a nice name, don't you think? She was really kind and funny, and smart too! She knew just what to do and wasn't too bossy or strict with me.

I like her.

Kai told me Nya is his sister. How did I not notice that?

* * *

Dad and I went to some fair thingy today. There were lots of cool robots and science stuff and inventions. It was so epic! :D my dad got me a souvenir, a light blue screwdriver! He told me it was my own to keep. I thanked him, and when we went home, I put it in a small box that I keep all my important stuff in.

Thanks, Dad!

* * *

Well a few months have passed since I last wrote. Been busy preparing for exams.

One of the bullies, we'll just call him Ron Chester, keeps laughing at me. During PE he tells me I'm fat and pushes me around. I don't like him.

On a brighter note, I saw Nya three times in school today. She had that amazing smile of hers as always.

:)

* * *

I asked Kai if I really was fat. He shook his head and told me not to lie to myself.

I dunno.

* * *

A new transfer student named Cole Brookstone just got into our class. He looks really strong and tough. I didn't try talking to him yet though.

Kai did though. He said Cole just smiled and shook hands. Weird.

* * *

Today I was sitting on the floor trying to fix Dad's radio, and I noticed how flabby my legs are. Dang it, Ron was right. I think I need to work out more.

* * *

I didn't eat recess today. I forgot to bring my wallet.

* * *

Cole sat with us during recess. Seeing him with that big math textbook in his arms made me feel like I've been slacking. Should I go read or something?

Meh I'm too lazy.

Another thing I need to change about myself.

* * *

Kai, Nya and I headed to the park today after our final Physics exam today. Cole was there, jogging. He smiled and waved to us, and we waved back. He was wearing a singlet and I could see all his muscles. To be honest, it was kinda gross. I don't wanna have muscles. I think they'd make me look fatter than I already am. And I don't think Nya wants to spend time with somebody 6 pounds heavier than her.

Dang it.

We sat under a tree and ate cake. I offered some to Cole, but he refused it profusely. Doesn't he like it?

Anyway, it was really hot out, but I noticed that Kai was wearing his jacket. I wanted to question him but I didn't really dare to. He seems really upset these days. Nya didn't question.

No I wasn't wearing track pants to hide how fat my thighs were.

I swear I wasn't.

* * *

I've been going to the gym with Mum every two days after school.

How does she live through that!? I nearly died there!

I now have new respect for my mother.

* * *

We got our results back today.

I failed two subjects.

Ugggggggggggggggggggh.

Of course, Cole got all A's and one single B. how.

* * *

Dad caned me for the first time last night and it really hurt. I cried.

Kai didn't speak to me all day. I think he failed more stuff than me but I don't know.

Today I sat in the bathroom with a permanent marker, just staring at the floor.

I wish I studied harder.

I wish I wasn't so lazy.

I wish I wasn't so chubby.

I wish Kai was okay.

I wish Cole wouldn't be so closed off.

I wish I could wear shorts again without feeling self-conscious.

I wish Nya liked me back.

I had my permanent marker and drew two dotted lines down my thighs to mark where I would remove my fat. Along the sides, between my legs. Then I asked myself where I'd put them.

I didn't know. There was too much of everything.

Working out isn't helping. I always get so tired too quickly. I wanna be like Mum. She's so slim and has so much stamina. I wanna be like her so I can impress Nya.

I know the true meaning of "regretted" now.

* * *

I was scared of my parents seeing the dotted lines so I spent half an hour sitting in the shower area trying to scrub them off. You can still see them.

I'm an idiot, you know that?

* * *

Nya gave me an origami rose today. She said she'd heard about my father caning me and wanted me to feel better.

It's okay, she said, everybody feels bad sometimes. You just gotta work hard.

Uhhhhhnnn.

* * *

I slid my wallet under my bed so I won't be tempted to bring it to school. I'm gonna pack my own food to school and not eat as much. See if that works out.

I don't see any difference yet.

* * *

Still nothing.

* * *

I'm not eating recess or lunch anymore. Mum and Dad are always at work now so my lunch usually just consists of water and two carrots.

I fell asleep doing my biology homework. Can't be bothered to finish it.

* * *

Today I found out what Kai had been doing to himself.

I screamed like a little girl in the guys' bathroom and somebody reported him to the principal.

After that he didn't talk to me.

I don't know why but I feel I've done something wrong.

Again.

* * *

Today I finally notice my wrists are getting a little thinner. But it's my THIGHS I want skinny, body! Can't you just listen for once?

Kai's still not talking to me. Now he wears T-shirts and bandages over his forearms. Everybody stares. Nya says it's because their parents force him.

I don't know what I should do. Nya seems really upset, and so does Kai. I don't know who I should talk to.

* * *

I went to find Cole Brookstone instead. He couldn't tell me much, but he did tell me to give him time and let him cool off for a while.

I don't know. Kai is somebody I talk to every day. I don't know if he's gonna be okay.

I'm still not eating, by the way.

* * *

HAHA LOSER YOU WRITE IN A DIARY HOW STUPID THAT

WORTHLESS PIECE OF

* * *

Jay,

I hope you're reading this. You left this on the canteen bench when you passed out earlier. Ron grabbed it and wrote bad things in it. I tried to snatch it from him.

Sorry for being mean and stuff. I was just really mad that you let everybody know.

I'll talk to you behind school today.

-Kai

* * *

He read it. Kai read it.

They know what I've been doing to myself.

Dang it.

We talked for a while. We both had secrets we hadn't been letting the other on in. We said sorry. We smiled at each other for the first time in two weeks.

I still can't believe I passed out. Ron is stupid.

Oh, and today we made a new friend behind the school. His name is Zane Julien, and he's really quiet. Really. He didn't really look at us but I think he's gonna be our friend.

* * *

I asked Cole why he always seems so busy. Every time I see him it's like he's always studying or working out. He shrugged me off and changed the topic.

Maybe he has a secret of his own.

* * *

I never really see Zane in school. Wonder which class he's in?

Yesterday, Nya was crying, and she told me her mother had gotten into a car accident. Today I gave Kai and her each a small toy car I had made to make them happy.

I didn't finish my homework but it was worth it.

* * *

Mum is really worried about my health. She said I'm getting thinner each day, but I can't see it happening. Why can't I see it? Dad never comments. What if Mum is just lying to get me to eat?

I'm not eating until I'm somewhere near Nya's weight. I want her to accept me, but not the bad me, the good me.

I'm not making sense anymore. I should go to bed.

* * *

Yesterday was my birthday. Kai, Nya and Cole came over to my house. I was kinda embarrassed and scared because we live in a dump and it wouldn't make a good impression on Nya, but she didn't seem to mind. Mum made cookies and popcorn, so we sat down in front of the TV and watched movies for six hours before we all fell asleep.

This morning I woke up and Cole was gone. He'd left a note though. He said his parents called him and told him to come home. The Igneous's still there though. Kai didn't wake up until eleven.

I sat and talked with Nya. We did some homework before getting bored. I gave her a tour of our small house. She ate breakfast. Then Kai woke up and they had to leave.

I cleaned up the house today. I feel really fat from the popcorn and cookies.

* * *

Today was normal.

* * *

I saw Zane in school today. He wasn't really doing anything, just sitting on the floor near our classroom. Kai wasn't in school today so I decided to hang out with him. I tried asking a few icebreaker questions but he didn't really give any helpful replies. All I learned is that he also failed two subjects and that he had leukemia for nearly a year. And he has a pet falcon, too. And his eyes are bluer than blue.

I think he's cool.

* * *

I visited Kai's house to give him his homework. He and Nya live in a nice little cottage with their father. It's also a blacksmith shop, isn't that cool?

Kai said he'd been really bored cooped up at home so I told him about Zane. I wonder if Kai and Zane will get along. They seem kinda opposite. Not sure why. Kai's usually hotheaded and angry at everything but Zane's just calm and quiet.

I don't know how I would feel if I had leukemia for a year.

* * *

I guess I've resorted to drinking smoothies every day. That way I won't be eating anything but I'll still gain enough weight to satisfy Mum. She's been weighing me every day. I think I prefer to do it myself.

Cole was so awesome at PE class today. He played basketball and got every single ball in! I couldn't do that even if I tried.

Ron still calls me fat everyday, and now he's added my diary to his list of things to insult me about. Maybe I should stop writing.

* * *

I can't stop.

* * *

I saw Kai's scars again today, but I didn't scream. I wasn't going to betray my friend again.

It looked like a cat had attacked him. I didn't know why but he was smiling as he showed them to me. It was scary.

I asked him why he did it. He became pretty upset and told me it was because Ron kept calling him names, his bad grades, his mother dying etc. I didn't really know what that had to do with slitting your wrists.

* * *

I think my English is improving. My school work is starting to look up. I guess that's one thing I can be happy about.

* * *

This morning as I was coming in to school, I noticed somebody sitting on the ledge of the highest level.

I quickly ran up to Zane and grabbed his arm. _What are you doing!?_ I wanted to scream but it came out as a whisper.

_I want to see what it feels like to die_, he replied, horribly calmly.

_No! Are you crazy?_ I asked, pulling him towards me. _Come down now!_

_I have brushed against death so many times, Jay,_ he yelled, _and now I want to finally embrace it! Nobody even knows I still exist! It is worthless keeping me!_

_Somebody help!_ I shouted.

But nobody, NOBODY even glanced in our direction. It was as if there was a soundproof glass wall between us and the world.

I stared back at Zane. His eyes were so dull, and his body looked so transparent I was starting to doubt his existence. He began sliding down the ledge.

_Zane, no!_ I screamed, nearly in tears. Why now? When things were decently okay—he had to want to go now. It didn't make sense! If you had a sickness which nearly killed you so many times wouldn't you be happy to live? I didn't understand.

That's when I opened my eyes, sat up and threw up all over my blanket.

So now I'm at home lying in bed worrying and worrying about Zane. Wish I could sleep but too nervous.

Paranoia sucks.

* * *

Today I was better so I went to school. I didn't see Zane. What if he'd already jumped, and I was too late? I was running around the school like a madman trying to find him. He was leaning against his locker reading a book about birds. There wasn't anybody there yet so I knelt down and begged him not to kill himself because its scary and I didn't wanna lose a friend.

He stared at me for what seemed like forever before the tears began streaming down his face. And then I started crying. We cried until an older kid came and asked us if we needed any help.

Help, huh.

* * *

I've been reading through my old diary entries and I can't help but marvel at how happy and innocent I was last time. Now life's a drag. Full of insecurity and pain. Yet...I don't wanna kill myself like I know Zane does. I'm not that deranged yet.

Or am I? I dunno. I haven't had any appetite since yesterday. I ate an apple in school, but that's it.

I'm just telling myself it'll be okay soon.

* * *

Kai came to school today. He was feeling better. I didn't tell him about how scared I had been these few days. I don't think he needs to know. He's got problems of his own, like undone homework.

End-of-year exams are coming soon. I hope I do okay.

Well yesterday I studied for three hours straight. It wasn't fun. But I can tell you all about palisade mesophyll now. And eutrophication. Yay.

* * *

Just finished Physics and Biology papers. I'm going to go home and sleep.

* * *

Hmm well, English, Geography, History and Math is all done. Everything's done! Yay!

Kai treated all of us (Cole, Zane and I) to frozen yoghurt after school. We all had plain. No toppings. It tasted really good.

I wanted to pay Kai back but I couldn't because my wallet was under the bed. Yeah, it's still there.

Kai wouldn't accept Cole's payment anyways. Zane was very quiet.

We took a group photo. Our first.

* * *

I've been sleeping all day. Too tired to do much else. Not hungry either. It's now 11.39pm on a Friday, and I'm wide awake. What should I do?

At least tomorrow isn't a school day. I think I'm gonna surf the net.

* * *

I think I have anorexia. But what's this bulimia thing? Making yourself vomit? I mean, I can take starvation but I don't really wanna puke. It would just make Mum even more distressed and I don't wanna do that.

And I think Kai has depression. Cutting.

I feel stupid for not knowing until now.

* * *

3am and I still can't sleep. Think I'm gonna have my first all-nighter. What does it matter anyway?

I made a picture frame out of old scrap materials and put yesterday's photo into it. It looks nice. I put it beside my bed.

* * *

Well, I must have fallen asleep because it's 7.50am and light outside. Currently nibbling on biscuit.

Mum is talking to me about how I really need to eat more and that it's not good for my body. I don't really care. I think I am skinnier now, but I know I'll always be chubby in someone else's eyes. Aka Ron. But then again what do I care? He's a jerk. Why do I wanna impress him?

I am now being forced to eat bread against my will. Dang it.

* * *

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever want to eat three meals a day again. I know it's not now, but maybe someday, someday it'll be better. Maybe when Ron is out of my life, maybe when Nya starts to like me more, maybe when I get more friends.

Will I be happy then?

**I guess I should have made more but I got tired so yup. XD did you guys like it? I dunno if I should make one diary for each ninja, telling the story from their perspectives. Your views?**

**I promise Unreal is going to be updated. Please bear with me. I'm sorry. I have exams okay.**


	3. Kai: In-Depth

**Well this came out early.**

**Geez, my eyes hurt like crazy after this. Btw kinda wrote this all in one go without really proof reading so please tell me if you spot any mistakes...thanks! It would be really helpful! :)**

**Just to letcha guys know, my last mid-year paper is tomorrow! FINALLY! ^^ dunno if I'll be on more or what but hopefully so! :D**

**Hope you enjoy.**

Hi.

Well uh my name's Kai. Kai Igneous.

I don't really see the point in keeping a diary/journal, but oh well. Today's the first day of secondary school. I'm kinda nervous, but I guess it can't be too bad, right?

See ya!

* * *

The first day of school was pretty sweet, honestly. I'm not known for being really friendly, but this year I actually made a friend called Jay Walker. Heh. Funny name. Of course, I didn't say that. He's really fun, and he also likes baked cheese rice. :D

No homework today. Gonna go play some video games.

* * *

Geez, I keep forgetting I'm supposed to write in this thing.

Well, not much happened today. I keep getting weird looks from people at the bus stop. Maybe it's my hair. I dunno.

* * *

There was this story in the news about this girl who got bullied so much she commuted suicide. Tragic, huh? It's kinda scary, but I guess stuff happens. I wonder how her family is doing.

* * *

We got back our results for our first English test today. Which I forgot to write about. I got an B. Not bad I guess. :I my parents didn't say much. Nya told me I should try harder next time.

* * *

Today was my birthday, and I brought this big chocolate cake to school. Biggest mistake ever—Ron and his gang of douchebags ended up dumping it all over the floor and ruining the whole thing. I bought that cake with my own money. I'm still pissed about it. They're gonna pay...

* * *

I pushed Ron into his locker and punched him in the face. He growled at me and bit my arm. His friends pushed me to the ground and it was really painful. I heard Jay screaming, he sounded really scared. Never seen a fight before, I guess. Heh, believe me, my temper has gotten me into more fights than I'll ever need to be in.

Then the teacher came and I got sent to the principal's office. They called my parents. They were disappointed. Whatever.

I do feel kinda guilty though. But they deserved it.

* * *

I was watching my father do some blacksmithing today. I think it's really cool how you can make a weapon from just simple heat and metal.

I asked him if he would teach me one day. He said maybe.

Is he still mad at me?

* * *

We had Sports Day today. Got paired with a kid named Lloyd Garmadon. That's an overly long surname. XD I guess we had fun. I know he did. His smiles kept both of us going.

I wonder if I'm considered good in sports. I wouldn't think of myself that way, but eh, you never know...

* * *

Tonight our family went to a fancy restaurant for dinner. I wanted to wear simple stuff but my mother got me to get in dress pants and this long-sleeved buttoned shirt. Ugh.

My sister looked really nice though. She wore a red sundress with a beret. Adorable :P

* * *

I apologised to my parents for starting a fight. I hope they forgive me now. I couldn't tell from their expressions.

* * *

School has been hard so I haven't been writing much. Sorry, I guess.

Today Jay asked me whether I thought he was fat. He's not, and I told him so. I think Ron is just trying to get him down. I hear him insult him every PE lesson.

I hate that guy so much.

* * *

New kid in our class: Cole Brookstone. All the girls seemed to like him. I went up to him and said hi, but he just smiled and shook hands. Not even a friendly greeting? Meh, I guess I can't judge this early.

I sound philosophical.

* * *

Dad has been trying to teach me to make my own sword! I can't wait! This is gonna be so cool!

He doesn't seem too happy though. I don't know why. He didn't really smile at me the whole day. I'm kinda scared to ask him what's wrong.

* * *

I spent all day trying.

I didn't make a sword. Didn't have the patience to.

Made a dagger instead.

Close enough.

Dad was proud of me. I think I'm proud of myself too. :)

* * *

Forget what I said last entry. I'm not proud anymore.

Mum and Dad said they're getting a divorce.

Crazy, right? They can't just go dropping freakin bombs like that! I can't believe them! They straight out told us like that—UGH! They can't be splitting up! There is no way I'm letting them!

I nearly flipped the dining table over in rage. Nya ran to her room crying. Mum and Dad aren't talking.

Maybe I should have seen it coming.

Gotta go comfort Nya. I guess.

* * *

Jay forgot his wallet today. I offered to lend him some money but he rejected it.

* * *

They're really divorcing. I can't believe it. Mum packed her things and left today. I can't believe it. Nobody's going to force me to. Why does this have to happen to Nya and me? We didn't do sh*t. She doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve this. Dad doesn't, Mum doesn't. A family NEEDS parents together, right?

Goodness.

* * *

...I did something really bad. I shouldn't have done it. My goodness. What have I done...?

* * *

Today was stupid. We had exams and I didn't even know until yesterday evening. Cramming.

I didn't have time to do the bad thing today. I don't know why but there's this urge to do it. I wish it would go away.

* * *

Exams are over and I feel like crap. Jay invited me and Nya to the park for cake though. I didn't want him to see my arms and get scared so I wore a jacket even though it was sunny. I was practically being cooked out there. I'm glad he didn't ask though.

We saw Cole jogging around. I can't believe how hardworking he is. Admirable.

Jay was wearing track pants today too. Not sure why. He never wears track pants.

* * *

Got back results.

I don't even wanna think about it. Dad's going to kill me when I tell him. Mum? I don't know if she still cares.

* * *

I can't stop. I can't I can't I can't. I don't want to, but I can't take the pain. I don't have anybody to turn to. Telling anybody would make them sad or make them think I'm a psycho. Dad would flip out, Nya would freak, Jay would cry, Mum doesn't freaking care. She left us.

Oh look at me...I'm like this depressed stressed out kid with the crappy life nobody else wants to have. How cliche.

Nobody wants to hear about that sort of thing anymore.

I have nobody but myself to blame for everything.

* * *

Nya was making this origami rose before bed, and I asked her who it was for. She said it's for Jay. He did seem pretty upset today. I wonder how he did. He won't tell me, but that's okay because I'm not telling him either.

* * *

Jay packs food to school now. Usually it just consists of a single sandwich. That's it. Isn't he hungry or anything? Does he still think he's fat? no. I can't have my best friend thinking that.

I keep telling him but he won't listen.

* * *

I googled my problem, because Google solves everything.

It didn't solve my problem.

Figures.

* * *

I decided to tell Jay about my problem. He didn't take it very well. Jerk screamed in fright and got me sent to the principal's office for serious counselling.

My teachers found out. My parents found out. Nya found out. I wanted to die. They all tried talking to me about it but I was stubborn and didn't say much. I was angry.

I thought I could trust Jay. Guess I was wrong.

* * *

Dad doesn't let me wear jackets and long-sleeved shirts anymore. I now wear T-shirts. He bandaged my arms and I have to change them so they don't get infected. I used to use tissue to wipe the blood away and just leave it to clot. But I guess that wasn't very wise.

Everybody stares. I feel naked.

* * *

Today Jay...he passed out during recess and got sent to the sick bay. I was gonna help him get his stuff so he could go home, but guess who I saw at the lockers?

Stupid Ron Chester.

I yelled at them to get lost. They were snickering and writing in some book. It was blue. It was Jay's. I think I went full inferno, because soon it was there in my hands and my knuckles were hurting.

I read it. It was his diary. I don't think I should have.

He's been secretly starving himself. Why didn't he tell me? ...or what if he was scared I would sell him out like how he did a few days ago?

I feel bad for calling him a jerk.

I'm sorry Jay.

* * *

Met Jay behind the school. We got to have a proper conversation. We told each other our problems and smiled. We were happy for maybe three minutes.

It felt good.

Also there was this kid who'd been listening. His name is Zane Julien, I think. He's okay, I guess. Jay wants to be his friend. I'm okay with that.

* * *

Cole is really hardworking. I kinda admire him. I could never be that hardworking in my life. How does he manage studies, sports and sleep so well? It's mind-boggling.

Anyway, I think you'll be happy to know I didn't cut today. I feel accomplished.

I guess.

I wonder what Zane does all day. I never see him in school.

* * *

Oh gosh...

Again, I can't believe it.

Mum got into a car accident and she's in what the doctors call "critical condition".

To me she's good as dead.

I saw the blood on the street.

I heard the people screaming.

I felt my father crying.

I feel numb, trying not to cry. I'm not going to. Kai Igneous does not cry.

He does not.

He alleviates the pain in his own way.

fudge my life

* * *

All Nya's been doing is cry all night and I can't stand it. The tears are trying to win but I'm not gonna let them. Everybody's crying but I'm not going to. Cause I'm just unique like that.

Why did Mum have to go and die? She already left our house, she didn't have to go do it for REAL!

WHY IS LIFE SO FRIKKING STUPID!?

* * *

Jay gave me and Nya each a toy car today. Mine was painted red and looked like it was made from scrap material. Jay said he made them himself. I said thank you.

I like it.

Sorry for raging yesterday.

...oh look now I'm talking to an inanimate object

* * *

Today was Jay's birthday. Cole, Nya and I went over to his house, which turns out to be a trailer in a dump. Cool...

His mum made cookies and popcorn. We watched movies for so long we all fell asleep. I don't really remember much, all I know that this was the first fun thing since Jay and I talked behind school.

I woke up last, like really late at eleven. Dad was already here to pick us up. Nya and Jay were eating breakfast—or rather, just Nya was. Cole was gone, but I was too tired to ask where he'd gone.

Guess I'll ask in school tomorrow.

* * *

Woke up at 4.40am feeling really sick. Not going to school.

Dunno what time it is now. I've been sleeping on-off-ish. Being sick sucks.

* * *

Jay came to give me my homework. He told me stuff about Zane, like how he had leukemia for a year, that he has a pet falcon (COOL) and that he doesn't talk a lot.

That's okay. I think he'll be a cool guy.

* * *

I'm still doing it though I'm sick. The scary part is that I'm actually

kinda

liking it.

What is wrong with me?

Well, of course you can't answer.

Stupid book.

* * *

Fact of the day by Jay: Cole is amazing at basketball. A-m-a-z-i-n-g.

* * *

Jay came over after school. He asked to see my *um* scars today again. He promised not to scream. I made him sit in a corner of the library where nobody could see us before I peeled off my bandages. He didn't scream, thank goodness. He tried to touch them but I didn't let him.

He was looking at me weird. _Why do you do this?_ he asked.

_It just...I don't know...it makes me forget my emotional pain, even if just for a while. I'm so used to physical pain it's kind of nothing to me anymore_, I replied. The words I spoke seemed foreign. Jay didn't ask any more.

Can't tell if I'm still scared.

* * *

Went back to school today. Did homework. Jay doesn't pack food any more. He just drinks one smoothie a day.

I don't know if it's worth my effort to tell him to eat more. Nobody listens to anybody nowadays. Not even me.

* * *

Jay didn't come to school today. I wonder if he's okay. Dad didn't let me go see him so I guess I'm stuck being paranoid. He's such a fragile-looking kid. I'm kinda worried.

Exams are starting soon. I should go study but I probably won't be able to absorb much...

* * *

Yay history. Notice the sarcasm.

* * *

Physics and Biology papers done! I think I should go study more. I really don't want to fail this.

To be honest, I'm just relieved I still have motivation.

* * *

It's over. Finally.

I treated Cole, Jay and Zane to frozen yoghurt today. It was the most fun time I've had in a while. Again. :P Cole tried to pay me but I refused his payment haha. It isn't called a treat for nothing.

Zane was really quiet. He did say thank you though so yeah I guess I appreciate that. Jay was being himself, not eating much of his yoghurt, afraid that it would make him gain weight...I shoved it into his mouth and told him to shut up and eat.

He didn't object.

We took a group photo with Cole's camera—it was fun. He sent the picture to all of us.

* * *

Spent the afternoon trying to make a sword. Dad was busy with the shop so I got Nya and we tried. Our sword turned out curved and the edges weren't fine like how Dad does it. Still, Nya really liked it. I told her she could keep it.

_What about you? _she asked. I thought of the dagger in my back pocket, smiled and shook my head.

Nah.

* * *

I've been staring at my scars for a while now. Some of them are raised, some have clotted, some are just lines or scratches now. I'm kinda unnerved by the fact that I'm not afraid of myself anymore. Maybe I've felt too much. Maybe that's what happens to a person when they get shoved into the horrible face of reality.

Which, for me, just so happens to be full of school, friends, pain, stress, and death.

And the handmade dagger that's always tucked into my back pocket.

My name is Kai Igneous and I admit to being a seriously messed up kid.

**I really felt bad doing this to Kai. ;w; imsorry**

**Anyway, a few more things: Cole's and Zane's diaries will probably be more centred around themselves rather than Jay and Kai, excluding the various events that include them that have already been mentioned. So that it won't feel like you're reading the same things over and over again. :) yep.**

**Unreal ideas, COME TO MY BRAIN NOOOOW**


	4. Cole: In-Depth

**Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha**

**Depressing stuff right here. I didn't really stick to Kai and Jay's events as closely, this is to show how the ninja go through different things but they feel the same pain I guess...?**

**Yeah. Thanks for reviewing guys. I love y'all. Please continue to be awesome and I hope my writing didn't suck here...**

Hey, my name's Cole Brookstone. I'm thirteen. I like to play sports, read and, uh...dance.

Don't judge me.

Anyway, I'm going to this new school soon. Switching schools, to be exact. I used to go to the Marty Oppenheimer School of Performing Arts, or MOSPA. My dad's always been a really musical guy, so I guess naturally he'd want me to go there. I think he went there as a kid too but I can't really remember.

I didn't really like it there though. But enough about me. It's only the first entry—I'm not gonna tell my whole sob life story.

Time to see how my first day at this new school's gonna be.

By the way, I think I'll make this less awkward by pretending you're a person and pretending these are letters from me. I used to do that for my old journal when I was five or something.

Okay! Your name is now Rocky.

* * *

Dear Rocky,

School was fine. I guess people like me. Fair enough. This guy even came up to me and said hi—I think that was really good of him. Nobody ever did that at my old school. I think his name was Kai something. I'll find out tomorrow.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Dad says if I want to stay in this school, I need to work really hard and ace all my tests. Does he think I'm superhuman? He was really reluctant on me switching schools though. It was Mom who convinced him in the end. She told me to take my time getting settled in.

I don't know who I should obey.

By the way, that kid's name was Kai Igneous. Reminds me of rocks. He has a friend named Jay Walker. Odd name, but eh. I also made lots of other friends—a few being girls. :P

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Looks like switching schools has its downsides. Exams are in less than two weeks and I haven't done much to study. Dad is gonna murder me...

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

I spent the week taking notes and paying attention in class. Regular school life is a lot more tedious than life at the performing arts school. Still, I can take it. I have to.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Kai and Jay haven't really been paying attention in class lately. Kai seems a bit more down than usual too...I wanted to go talk to him, but I was busy studying. I need to ace these tests if I'm gonna stay on Dad's good side.

Oh, yeah I didn't talk about my dad much yet. My father...he's a strict guy, I'm not gonna lie. Our relationship isn't all that good. It's never been.

But that's a story for later...I don't feel like telling it now.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Exams are FINALLY over! I feel pretty confident that I'll ace them. I pulled so many all-nighters in the past week but it seems I can remember things quite well so it shouldn't be a problem.

Anyway I kinda slacked a lot on my physical activity during the exam period since basketball is postponed until next week. So today I headed down to the park and jogged six rounds around it. It doesn't seem like a lot, but it's further than it seems, okay?

I saw Jay and Kai hanging out with his sister. I don't know her name. :/ She's in a different class from us, and Kai doesn't really talk about her. We don't talk much at all, honestly.

Maybe it's just me. Am I scaring people away?

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

We got back our exam results today. I got all As except for one damned B in Biology. Dad's not home yet, I don't know how he's going to react. He expected perfect As. For everything. Oh I know what you're thinking, isn't that way over the top?

Not if you lived the life I've been living. I really hope he doesn't hurt me.

Mom tells me it's gonna be okay and she won't let him do anything too drastic.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Guess what? He totally slammed me.

I was standing there, trying to be brave and okay about it, but he just yelled at me and asked me, and I quote, "why did you lose that one f***ing A, son?" over and over again and then he slapped me on my arms and caned me and pushed me into my bedroom.

It's 7.39pm and I haven't eaten anything since lunch. So I've been studying to pass the time. I hear Mom and him talking in the kitchen.

I guess I should be glad he only did that. Once he was drunk and I came home with a C. He looked like he wanted to maul me, and I guess he kinda almost did. I still smell the alcohol on his breath and I can still see the scar on my chest. That night was the shit. (Sorry for vulgarity) And Mom was overseas, so she wasn't there to defend me or anything.

I'm going to shiver now.

Sincerely, Cole.

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Today I saved a kid from a bully. It wasn't Ron Chester, who has a bone to pick with Kai and Jay, but his twin brother, Erik. And a fun fact: he used to be from my school. Just great right?

Little shits (again sorry) teased him for having no friends and the like. I never had the courage to tell them off in MOSPA, but today I yelled at them to buzz off. I was surprised at how loudly I can shout. Probably got it from Dad. I was also surprised they actually listened to me. The new kid.

The kid was small and had the lightest blond hair I'd ever seen. He saw me and nearly ran away, but stopped when he noticed I wasn't gonna hurt him. His name is Zane Julien, but that's all I got from him because he didn't say much. His eyes were so blue, it seemed a little unnatural. But, oh well. I told him my class and that if Erik or Ron came back he could call me and I'd give them a good beating. Yeah.

As I watched him run off with a small falcon by his side, I felt my heart sink.

What have I gotten myself into?

Doesn't matter though. I'm sure I can take a couple of jerks.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Mom told me she's glad I'm doing well in school. I just don't understand my parents. One says I'm never good enough, the other says I'm better than I should be. Confusing as hell. I wonder if it's just me. I know I shouldn't accuse my parents. They love me, right?

I'm not sure if Mom is just saying stuff to make me happy. Maybe she is. Maybe she's on Dad's side, but she's just waiting to pounce. Like a cheetah.

But ANYWAY. Hung out more with Zane today after school. I learnt that he had leukaemia. And that sucks. Because I'm such a nerd, I studied these things. Leukaemia is caused by mutations in your DNA, when you have too many white blood cells that results in the inability to heal yourself and some other stuff like that. Can't remember much though ahah.

Anyway, I asked Zane what class he was in. He wouldn't tell me at first, but after some prodding, he told me he doesn't really have a class. The kid comes to school in the morning, listens, and leaves afterward. He said his mother is missing, his father is dead, and the only person who makes sure he actually eats is his uncle. Unfortunately, they're poor and can't afford to get Zane an education. So Zane just slips in and out of our school along with the crowd. Crazy, huh?

I wonder if the teachers notice this. Do they know?

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Well...today was pretty awkward.

I don't exactly know what happened, but Kai has been secretly hurting himself by slitting his wrists. And he doesn't take care of them—he leaves them. I got really afraid when I found out for some reason. Doesn't he know that he could cause a serious infection and possibly have to have his arms amputated!?

And why on earth would he cut himself like that? Though, I can't say much. I mean, it's not like I really know his story and how he's like. Still, I think it's pretty stupid. And yet, my pursuit for excellence is as well.

I don't care though. I have to be great, not just so my father won't kill me, but for my mum too. I think she risked a lot getting me into this school.

Kai probably doesn't care either...maybe that's why he does that.

On the bright side, I finished all my homework today!

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Sorry for not writing for a bit. Been busy with projects and things.

Kai used to wear jackets and pullovers all the time, but now he has short-sleeved shirts that reveal those bandages all over his forearms, and we can all see the bloodstains.

I feel really bad for him, honestly. He looked so miserable, and his eyes look so hollow. Jay tried talking to him but Kai ignores him now.

Anyway, I went over to Zane's house after school. (Had a hard time getting my father to oblige.) This made me feel even worse. His house, or rather his uncle's house, was a dump. Clothes everywhere, leaking stuff, broken things...gosh, it was awful. Zane looked kind of ashamed, but he didn't say anything. His uncle wasn't in, so we just did our homework.

I asked Zane if he was okay, like seriously. He shrugged and didn't look up at me.

I can't help but realise how fortunate I am compared to nearly everyone around me, in terms of having a nice house and almost loving parents, and a decent life. Good food to eat and nice clothes to wear. Is this the reason why Dad pushes me so hard?

I'm the only thing my parents have that's not good enough. I can't beat the exquisite furniture, expensive dining shit, and everything...it's just me that's not perfect. How could I have been so blind?

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Jay came to me for help. He told me the whole story: about how Kai had shown him those "battle scars" and how they looked so scary that Jay had completely freaked and blown Kai's cover. And now they weren't speaking.

I didn't really know what to tell him. As I've told you before, I've never had many friends. I'm actually surprised that people don't give me weird looks every day now, and they actually like me. But that's beside the point. I told Jay to let Kai cool off. It's what any rational person would do, right?

Dad attacked again tonight, if you're interested. I came home from school to find him sitting on my bed. He found my diary I mean journal, and seemed quite angry at me. He called me crazy and his expression was so dark with hatred and I didn't know what to say. He threw this book at me and told me I was worthless for writing in something as stupid as a diary.

Believe me, I contemplated throwing the book away after that—knowing I'm the imperfection in my parents' lives, and writing in a sissy book like this—to somebody who doesn't even exist (sorry but it's true) isn't gonna help me in my quest to live up to my parents' expectations.

I'm still here though. You're still here.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Some girls from my class asked me to sit with them at recess today. I would consider myself awkward around them, but I decided eh, why the heck not? And I got them to let Zane sit with us too, though they didn't seem too happy.

But Zane's my friend, and if they can't accept that, then farewell ladies.

I'd always known girls were talkative, but I'd never known they were THAT talkative. I felt like we were the loudest table in the canteen. Zane was obviously quite embarrassed, and he didn't even eat much. He just poked his peas round his plate with the prongs of his fork before dumping them into the bin at the end of recess. I apologised for bringing him into this. He nodded and vanished.

Another thing I screw up. Ughhhhhhh.

Dad hit me for forgetting the sugar in his coffee.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

I asked Zane why he's always so quiet. We were sitting at the bus stop, not really waiting for any bus, but just sitting there because it felt like the only place both of us belonged.

"What was it like with leukaemia?" I asked.

Zane was hesitant. When he spoke, his voice was very small.

"I had a sinus infection and fell ill. The doctor said I had to visit an oncologist immediately, because he checked my blood and there was something that needed attention. My father was still alive at that point, so he asked if it was serious. The doctor said it was manageable. I had blood cancer. At that time I had just turned ten. I was very scared and asked my father if I was going to die. I remember he stroked my face and shook his head but tears were falling from his eyes. When we went to see the doctor, they said I had leukaemia. They kept calling us, and my father got so irritated he nearly threw the phone away.

"I will not tell you all the details but just know that I had to go through chemotherapy for very long. I was very sick and got tired easily, and I was always very upset. My father kept reassuring me that it would be okay and I would survive it. And as you can see, I did."

The humiliation had crept into his voice, but I saw nothing for him to be embarrassed about. It wasn't his fault he got sick. He couldn't help it. And yet Zane survived, though his father passed away, his little blond kid lived on. And he was still going through so much.

I didn't even realise that I was crying until Zane took my hand and squeezed it gently.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Jay asked me why I'm always so busy. My first thought was to tell him everything. About my abusive father, his expectations, and how I'm the flaw in the big plan. But I couldn't. I really didn't know why it just...it didn't come out. I opened my mouth but my vocal chords refused to work.

I ended up talking about how the girls in class are. Jay seemed to agree, but I caught the subtle suspicion in his eyes. Oh, and another thing I noticed about him is that he seems to be getting thinner. Thin usually equals sick, so I'm kinda worried. He doesn't seem concerned though. I wonder if Kai is?

I wonder if they know Zane?

Last night I was crying in bed, and my father heard. He screamed at me to shut up and threw me against the wall. I didn't bleed but I kind of wish I did.

After that my mum came in and she comforted me. She didn't seem to want to get very close to me, though. I was still crying when I went to sleep.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Sorry I haven't been writing lately. I've been preoccupied with studies and projects for school.

I wrote because it's a special day today. Jay invited us (Kai, Nya and I) to his house, which is a dump. Literally. It's still in better shape than Zane's though. Which is good in some way. Anyway, we watched movies and ate cookies and popcorn all day. So many carbs to burn off, gosh.

I woke up early and didn't want to burden Jay with my presence any longer, so I left. I jogged home and was able to avoid my father's punishment for getting home late, even though I didn't. Gave me exercise too, which is good!

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Not much happened today. I don't dare to ask Zane what happened to his dad. He was impassive while talking about leukaemia, but his voice...

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Erik struck again. I caught him punching Zane in the corridors. I kicked him in the gut and got rid of his cronies too. They deserved it.

Zane was bleeding, so I tried to get him to the nurse's office. He shook me off and ran away, and I don't understand. He didn't speak to me the rest of the day.

Dad told me again that I had to pass my exams with flying colours if I wanted to stay. I nodded. He made me clean the dishes. Should I have shook my head instead?

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Exams, exams, exams. They're here again. I must ace them. I must get perfect scores. I must. I don't want to have to leave the school, I've made friends with Kai and Zane and Jay and I don't want to lose them. They make me feel like I'm not the only one who has to suffer every day.

Mum has been very sick lately. Coughing, with a fever and sneezing. I'm worried. I hope Dad is too.

Sincerely, Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

well...

Exams are over.

But I'm crying.

Guess what? Mum has LEUKAEMIA. Just like Zane. Why is everyone getting sick? I don't want this! I wish Dad would get it!

Oh shit. I really just did write that.

I...I don't know, do I want him to get it? I hate him, he's never nice to me and I've always felt that he doesn't love me. But if he got lung cancer, I would be even more imperfect than I am now. I cry so easily and I would be such an embarrassment. I would have nothing to motivate me, and I would have no friends...

-Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

I'm really worried I didn't do well for my exams because of Mum getting sick and I don't even know anymore. I just feel like there's so much I have to do. I have to keep my father happy, I have to reassure my mother, I have to study hard, I have to top the class, I have to get all those As, I have to be physically fit. And don't get me wrong, I want all of that! But I can't get it all, and I feel like I have to work harder, because I'm so weak, I can't achieve all this, it should be possible!

I'm also very scared that Mum won't make it. I heard that children take chemotherapy better than adults. If she goes, Dad will be free to rip me apart if I don't live up to his expectations. But in all honesty, I don't really care any more...maybe it would be better if Dad just killed me one night. Then he would be rid of the one imperfect stain in his life.

-Cole

* * *

Dear rocky,

Dad did a very wrong thing tonight.

He was drunk again. He was yelling at me. He told me I was a mistake, I wasnt even meant to exist and mum was going to die, and when she did he is going to kill me. I cant even write properly and im crying because he scratched me with the cheese grater and I dont know but I think he stabbed me with something because my stomach hurts alot and I'm bleeding hes coming into the room he dialled 911

* * *

Dear Rocky,

I'm in the hospital.

Dad has been sent to prison. I don't know what they will do to him. They said Mum is going to be questioned because she didn't report my dad and I'm very scared because I don't know if it'll be okay.

Zane came to visit me this morning. He told me this was the same hospital he'd been warded in when he had leukaemia, and he was very sorry to hear about my parents. He sat there and brought me food and was nice to me all the way until visitors had to leave.

Kai and Jay came too, but they didn't stay as long. Jay brought me a toy car, painted black. It was sweet.

Dad didn't stab me, but he slashed my stomach with a kitchen knife. It hurts to write but I wanna tell you, Rocky. I'm lucky they let me bring my diary in.

I don't feel like living anymore. My parents are both gonna be gone, like Zane's. I have no uncle. I'm going to be all alone.

-Cole

* * *

Dear Rocky,

Dad was sentenced.

Mum's gonna be sentenced after she heals.

Me? I don't know what's gonna happen to me…

**Next chapter: Zane. The icy little blond kid. Okay uhh well, if any of you guys have experienced leukaemia (I HOPE NOT THOUGH! IF YOU HAVE I SEND MY DEEPEST CONDOLENCES AND I AM GLAD YOU SURVIVED/ARE STILL GOING STRONG! I LOVE YOU GUYS!) or study it in general, it would be appreciated if you could guide me a little on how it feels, the symptoms etc. if you're not comfortable it's totally fine, don't feel pressurized. I LOVE YOU GUYS okay ;o; and thank you again for reading.**


End file.
